


Dawn

by Sternflocken



Series: Love in Theory and Practice [1]
Category: Loki - Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Brothers to Lovers, Character Development, Character Study, Comfort/Angst, Fluff, Getting Together, Healing, Healing and building a healthy relationship is a long process and this is just a short story...., Hugs, Loki's got plans, M/M, Post-Canon, Thor's got actions, Thorki - Freeform, Thunderfrost - Freeform, Trust Issues, actually..., and Loki's dealing with Frigga-feels, but just a little?, how did that happen?, i guess, that's what Loki is all about, they're both dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 01:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17633477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sternflocken/pseuds/Sternflocken
Summary: Loki is not too certain if this is safety he feels or the greatest suspense he ever got himself into... but fleeing would still do as a fallback plan, would it not?The promised backstory oneshot toCornflower Sunin which Thor and Loki finally discover their not so brotherly love for each other...





	Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> fun fact:  
> I'm so uncreative with titles and couldn't decide whether to use [Dawn (will rise)](https://youtu.be/Yr-9tyTcDj0) or [Kiss of Dawn](https://youtu.be/flOj6BLG3II) so it's just Dawn left now xD

“Loki… you are and forever will be part of Asgard.”

“No! I never was. And I never will be… I do not belong here, mother.”

“Where else if not here? Who else if not you? You, who created all these wonders… Loki, Asgard, this Asgard, is all your doing…”

“My doing, indeed. I built my own cage; that is my doing. For the sake of people who despise me.”

“For the sake of your brother…”

“He is not my brother anymore.”

So what is it that keeps him here? Wouldn’t leaving be the better choice? Finally free from the trap he set himself, resurrecting the glorious realm. Ragnarök and Thanos hadn’t left much. So of memories and stories and ideas and promises he had weaved Asgard into being. A new Asgard.  
For Thor.  
For the people. 

No. 

For himself.  
For having a home. A feeling long lost. But the more Loki had worked on this place, a place for them to be reunited, a place for the life he had always wished for, the more he had become aware it would never be the same. A place does not make a home. A word without meaning does not tie them together as a family.

Loki startles as a knock on his chambers’ door disrupts his thoughts and in an instant Frigga’s image vanishes. 

“Loki?” he hears an oh so well-known voice, low and rumbling and beaming, soothing and upsetting. Without waiting for an answer he enters. Thor. God of Thunder. King of Asgard, finally. His brother, once. Not anymore. “I thought I heard mother’s voice,” he states with curious eyes, warily gazing around Loki’s chambers. 

“You must be out of your mind,” Loki retorts harshly. “She is dead. What do you want?”

For a fleeting moment Thor seems taken aback by this rigid answer but then he just stands and musters Loki, trying to understand what it is that leaves him shaken and dismissive. “You wish we could have brought her back, don’t you?” Thor concludes. A plain statement. Straightforward. Just like that. 

“She is dead and will remain so.” Loki again emphasizes his refusal to talk. To talk more than is necessary. To talk about the turmoil of his heart he manages so well to hide, to lock away. To everyone but Thor, obviously. “So just spit it out. Why are you here?” he asks again, crossing his arms to a demanding gaze. And Thor yields, sighing.

“It appears your dog has scared some farmers lately. People are afraid to leave for the woods,” Thor explains the matter he was entrusted with, while he goes on strolling through the gloomy room, curiously eyeing all the strange objects and books. He did not want to bring this up now but apparently he needs a reason to stay and Loki will not let him unless he offers a matter to discuss.

“And in which way precisely is this any of my concerns?” Loki asks coldly, his gaze following Thor while he does not budge from the spot. 

“You are the only one who can keep her in check…” Thor sighs, reaching one of the narrow windows and turns his eyes away from Loki and over the golden city lying beneath the palace, already anticipating where this conversation will lead. Far away from where he actually intended to arrive. But Loki does not exactly smooth the way leading to his destination. 

“Fenris is not a dog, no matter how often you call her that. She does what pleases her. But she does mean no harm to anyone just leaving her alone. They do not have a single reason to be afraid so maybe you better keep your mistrustful people in check.”

“Loki… you know them… and their concerns.” 

“And you know Fenris. She is a wolf and a free spirit and not to be tamed.” He stifles their discussion. “Anything else?” he presses and a helpless sigh leaves Thor’s lips again in consideration of being thrown out that fast.

“Maybe… I just want to talk to my brother?” Thor finally confesses, turning to Loki again and no longer even trying to talk around it. 

“I am not.” Loki simply objects, hiding the pain searing his chest with this word. _Brother_. It does not feel right and he does not like it.

“You are! As you are Prince of Asgard. And no one will ever doubt your place again. I will ensure that.” Thor asserts against all restraint he feels from Loki and nervous, obviously eager now to speak his mind.

“They already do,” Loki soberly states. Why blandish facts? Why encourage overeager promises? Can Thor leave already?

“They will not any more. I will tell them to respect you as the rightful Prince of Asgard who I chose to reign with me. Equally. At my side.” A relieved smile it is this time that adorns the king’s lips as he finally got off his chest what he had carried around for a while now. He cannot simply ignore what became so obvious: Loki dejected, withdrawing and people doubting, suspicious. He does not like the way things had taken soon after they had settled down. Everything was supposed to be well now but it isn’t. Still something seems to be missing, one tiny cog in that big wheel of time and space and fate and he does not quite grasp what, but he does very well know where he sees Loki’s place, Loki’s destine. 

“You did?” Despite the huge honor he just was bestowed with, Loki still only so much as raises an eyebrow. Even Thor would not make that up just out of a moment, would he? As much as Loki knows about Thor’s impulsive ideas and his habit of acting before thinking, he is also very able to read his behavior, even with the broad daylight at his back. The way Thor talked too fast and drew breath just now, after he had finished, the way he beams at him, eagerly. The way Thor clumsily had approached him here, in his chambers, for far too flimsy reasons. Still Loki doubts he has heard right. Or more: Thor’s sanity. 

“I did. I cannot reign this realm, nor care for all the others, all alone. And I could not think of a better ally,” Thor reassures, showing no doubt about his decision. A decision Loki simply has to question.

“Then think harder,” Loki tries to block his attempts. “What about Sif? Or Heimdall? There are many capable, worthy and honorable people amongst Asgard. Maybe you do not want to consider Brunnhilde, though, she is drunk far too often but you will find someone, of that I am certain.” And with a generous smile he adds: “Just make sure to ask them before you decide.”

“There surely are. But it has to be you. That is why I am here now and I will not accept declination,” Thor states, unwavering, as he closes up again with eager steps, his hand already reaching out for Loki before he hesitates abruptly, noticing Loki flinch, barely perceivable. Clumsily his hands search for a place to halt and find themselves stemmed to his hips.

“Why?” Loki finally asks with a sigh that carries just a little too much pain, a little too much despair to be not noticed. Does Thor even understand the torment he causes? The severity of the challenge he delivers, just like that in the passing? Of course not. How could he? Ever so sanguine and light hearted God of Thunder. Admired and loved, no matter what fatal decisions he casts out. Always getting his will. 

“I just feel it is the right thing to do. The right way to be,” Thor explains shrugging. 

“Right?” Loki echoes with a bitter huff. Certainly, what just feels right is the only thing Thor has in mind. What else did Loki expect? A little consideration would be too much to ask for, would it not? “Did you forget all the things I did to harm you and Asgard?” Loki very well recalls what he has done. No matter the reasons and intentions, there are people who will never forgive him, even if Thor may not be one of them. There are so many reasons why this proposition is doomed. Even without these torn souls dwelling within his breast.

“Oh no, I did not. But I learned from that and I also did not forget what you did _for_ Asgard.” 

A sigh leaves Loki’s lips. What he had done? Surely quite many things he had done for Asgard. Like saving it from an immature king. And then from a senile and bitter king. Securing peace and people’s pleasure. And yes, he had helped to save the people of Asgard, to defeat Hela, when all his doing had seemed to tower into Ragnarök. And yes, he may have fought Thanos, whose rage he had drawn. He had done so on very different paths from Thor, not quite treading on the way of honor and virtue like Asgard would it’s heroes and rulers expect to do. He had hurt Thor doing so, he had feigned his death. Again and again. He had tricked and he had lied and he had operated alone and in secret. And only to very few this is known. To the most he still is the mischievous trickster, the betrayer, for a short moment mimicking their savior but vanishing when new horrors occurred and only reappearing to rejoin his brother, to comfortably lodge himself in a newly built Asgard. Built by him to great parts. And such he has bound himself to these people where he needed to behave to not feed their distrust. To this king whose trust he gained for the price of him seeing through too many of the layers he built up.

“Well to tell you the truth.” Thor goes on with a change to his tone. Honest and severe now and approaching again. “I need you. I need all these trickery and silver tongue speaking and mischievousness for all these proceedings and negotiations and strategies and that kind of things… you know Asgard like no other, you know its secrets and its mysteries and its dark sides and therefore I do indeed need you to reign at my side.” The king searches Loki for any hint of a change in his mind that his honesty and praise might encourage. And indeed he can sense the interest he has evoked. At least Loki does not retreat any further. “In return you will be free to operate as you see fit.”

“I will take this for an offer and not an order then. Does our generous king grant me time to think about it?”  
What more could he hope for? But what prospect could be more frightening? Chained even tighter to this realm, to the goodwill of this man who is not in any way tied to him? Not in any way obliged to ensure the safety of this place he offers. Of whom he does not know if he wants to flee him or to swear eternal loyalty in return for trust and appreciation he so long had desired. But blind loyalty is a gift he is not able to bestow. Even if he wanted to. 

Still, what chance would he miss? What other options does he have? With all that lies against it, what would he have to lose? Flight would still do as fallback plan... So why not seize the situation? He knows very well this is all he ever wished for so after days of consideration – and also enjoying stringing Thor along – he agrees. 

And of course he finds himself enlightened with purpose. 

Freed by weaving his skills. 

Still not choking his doubts.

Unable to drown these demons hunting him, nagging at the edges of his hope and heart and soul…

 

\--

 

“There will surely be a wise and devoted queen one day… like you have been… and what place will there be left for me then?”

“No oh so wise queen could ever do what you are capable of, my son. God of Mischief.”

“But every ordinary woman could-… I will never be able to… to have that place… there will only be shadows left for me…”

“I feel your craving for his sun, Loki… although you operate so masterly within the twilight…”

“I just do not… do not _understand_ …”

“Is that love that confounds this frozen heart of yours, my dear?”

“Love is for children and for fools!” Loki snaps in suddenly burning rage. Rage over himself, over being carried away that far! Furious he dismisses the illusion he created, his outburst hurling furnishings, sends them crashing into the walls just to reappear untouched at their place and to be crashed again. And again. And again. In frantic desperation to destroy, to change, to be freed…  
As much as he had tried to get rid of this room, to even alter minor objects, he had not been able to. It always kept on restoring itself to the way it was left when the woman he called his mother had been cruelly slain. The way it had just appeared when he was creating the new palace… He still has not found the answers to this mystery, as often as he might come here. As much as he visits these rooms to be his save haven. As many nights as he spends within these walls, wrecking his mind and wrecking this room… he may sense the lock to this secret but there just does not seem to be a key…

“Loki! Here you are!” 

The prince turns, startled and upset and huffing at the sight of Thor drunken bursting into these sacred halls. 

“I have been searching for you like… everywhere!” 

Loki draws a sharp breath, desperate to regain his calm. He had not expected Thor to notice his absence from the banquet he had arranged. At least Thor feels in the mood to revel again, now that Asgard is save, the important matters are sorted out, and the places they took, the duties they brought are beginning to feel familiar. Like in former times there are feasts again, when guests are invited for proceedings or when a battle is won or a beneficial treaty is made or a sacred day is to be celebrated. Loki would like to feel glad for Thor. But he cannot quite look past his dislike for such occasions. He rather spends his evenings in disguise amongst shady creatures visiting the most dubious taverns, spinning the threads he needs. From the cheerful and two-faced glorious festivities the prince himself likes to withdraw, after the official point where he can feed his web of relations or just watch and learn for one never knows what observation could come off useful one day. When it is getting late and everyone seems to be fuddled, when jokes are getting vulgar and maidens more tempting, at the latest when it is just Thor and his closest companions, Loki likes to disappear from that. There are different matters busying his mind than their amusement. Thor’s amusement. That is not in the slightest bound to him. And Loki is far from eager to share these thoughts with Thor.  
So at the sight of the drunken intruder he just turns to leave, coldly retorting, “And gone already.” 

“Loki… stay! Where are you going?” Thor rumbles, slightly swaying as Loki passes him and he tries to also turn to follow.

“Why should that be of interest for you?” Loki shrugs off Thor’s demands, putting these unfortuned chambers behind.

“Because it’s my feast and you are missing. Again!” Thor explains, plainly following him.

“As you say: your feast. My choice.” Loki keeps on going through the hallways of Asgard’s palace directing to his rooms. 

“I want you to stay!” Thor keeps on demanding, sturdy at his heels.

“And I want you to stop following me! Appears like we both will not get our will,” Loki sighs, going on still, through corridors and hallways that become more crowded. Maybe Thor will be distracted when he leads their way past the banqueting hall?

“Loki! Come on, celebrate with your brother and king! I demand that!”  
Apparently not. They pass the great hall and they make people turn but nothing seems to get Thor to surrender. “And I refuse,” Loki simply states and swiftly treads on. And Thor still follows him. Away again from the hooting comrades and the joyful merrymakers and all alluring temptations. There still are people around the corridors but the further they go, the emptier and gloomier it gets.

“Brother! Stop already and come back with me!” Thor finally tries again when they turn into the corridor leading to Loki’s chambers. 

“Why so eager? You are free to go back,” Loki sighs through gritted teeth. “I am certain you do have more than amusing and satisfying company there.” He is not even trying anymore to hide the flinching every time Thor uses this title he was so used to for all his life. This title that now does not cease stabbing his back.

“But I want _your_ company, brother!” Thor catches Loki’s wrist to hold him back. Loki pulls away swiftly, but turning towards his follower, finally.

“Stop calling me that already!” Loki’s words lose their calm and their indifferent tone. He hisses now, not far from screaming. How many times did he tell Thor to end that? And still this stubborn oaf of a king does not even consider listening to him! Rage rises in Loki’s chest again. Rage for Thor is not even considering to only for once do something just because he asks him to. Rage for Thor does not even know it hurts like driving daggers into his flesh every time this word leaves his mouth but how could Loki ever explain? They are not brothers and Thor still pretending there is something that is just not existent is infuriating him! 

“But you are…” Loki is not quite able to read the expression on Thor’s drunken face. Is it amusement or sentiment or bewilderment? 

“No, I am not!” Loki snarls at him. “Never was and never will be so let me be and leave me alone! Go back to feasting and drinking even more! You must be oh so jubilant to be back to this, finally, so go enjoy yourself!” Through gritted teeth he spits these words before he turns away again to leave. It is no good to start a fight now. He does not want to. He just wants to be left alone already, but Thor catches him again, with way firmer grip this time and it is harder to pull away. 

“I will, but not without you! It’s no fun when you’re not there but burying yourself behind all your grief and sobriety and I want you to come!” Grabbing Loki by his wrist surprisingly fast and accurate for his drunkenness, he this time makes sure to pull him to stop, catching his other wrist also. 

“But I do not want!” Loki struggles to get away but Thor only pulls him closer. He knows he does not stand a chance of winding out of the grip of the by far stronger one. Although they are even when it comes to a fight, when it is all about strength and muscles, Thor is superior to him without the slightest doubt. And right now he seems to be ready to crush Loki’s wrists without the slightest effort to just hinder his escape. As much as every fiber of his body is tense, alarmed and ready to get him out of any threat, there are not many options left with his hands caged and useless and he’s tired… so tired of fighting and fleeing…

“Why?” He just breathes at Thor, tall, vast even, being that near, caging him between cold stone and his inevitable body, fervently confident of his intend. “Why can’t you just let me be?”

“Because I feel like feasting and I feel like it would do good to you, too! So stop playing coy and come.” Thor beams at him like the eager bigger brother he thinks of himself to be. 

“Stop playing coy… you really want me to do that?” Loki asks doubtingly with a slight raise of one eyebrow, somehow trying to regain his calmness. When for a second he was anxious about the short moment of candor, he is now sure Thor does not even get the sincerity of his words… He would not even expect him to understand their meaning while sober and Loki has seen him drinking all evening. He can smell the mead in every breath of Thor and notices the unreasonable skittishness in his actions. But still it hurts. It hurts though it should be relieving but instead it is adding up to the mayhem he feels raging, growing for so long now.  
It has been long since Loki has felt the touch of another one – just a simple touch, not intended to hurt or to defend during fights. It may be since childhood even, that he felt a loving touch, that his mother or brother held him. He is not used to it and unable to cope with it. He may have longed for it, at least he assumes so now, but for too long this desire was disguised as hate, rage, as envy and vengeance. And then he has been far from everyone who he would have let even close enough to touch him. He almost could not handle that embrace back then, on that godforsaken ship, ought to be their refuge, turned out to be their perdition. And after that it was so much harder to handle being on his own again… never again would he let something like that happen ever again!  
And yet, since they were back to the safety of Asgard, since the straining throes of bringing a realm into being had receded, he had perceived every insignificant clap on the back, every trivial hand on his arm or push to his side to gain his attention. He had begun to soak in the feeling of physical contact, not being avoided or met with repulse. It had left him even more starving for the warmth of another ones touch. How could Thor dare to be so carelessly close now, how could he do this to him? Not close enough by far and still too near to bear.  
His mind frantically searches for a way to get out of this. To push Thor as far away as he possibly can… and the only escape plan his gloriously tricky mind comes up with is stabbing the king with a kiss. Is smashing cold lips to hot ones. Is crashing into all he tried so hard to avoid… 

It works.

Of course.

His plans usually do.

Thor is so bewildered he just blinks at the man he calls his brother. 

“Feel like reveling now?” Loki hisses. Hoping to be freed now. Ready to be shoved away. Anxiously waiting for eternal moments of uncertain hesitation. 

“Indeed, I do…” Thor breathlessly answers and the next moment eager lips are pressed to anxious ones, Loki’s eyes widening in horror, his body frozen, reflexes blocked. Thor tastes like mead and fatty meat and overly sweet pudding and home and hope and regret. Like adventure and danger and grave mistakes and great successions. Like the vast eternities of the universe, promising the despair of nothingness and the bliss of everything…

“What are you doing??” Loki gasps as Thor breaks away, breathless. 

“I don’t know. I’m drunk and you do not want to be my brother anymore so it doesn’t matter,” Thor plainly states, trying to catch Loki’s lips once more but only meeting his jaw as he turns his head. “So if you won’t come with me, I’ll come with you instead.” Thor decides, apparently pleased by this sudden inspiration. Loki wavers. Torn… but Thor is drunk and it does not matter and fleeing this place is still an option, right? So he does not resist being dragged along and he does unlock the door to his chambers with just a quick twist of his hand and he does sooth growling Fenris, menacingly approaching them. “All is well… he means no harm…” And Thor lets him go to greet her, bury hands and face deep in the fur of the young wolf, steadily outgrowing him, to hide his shaking breath. What has he done? 

Loki only looks up when he hears the groan with which Thor dismisses his boots and slumps to the bed. Loki’s bed. 

“We are grown men… not ought to fool around like little boys,” Loki reminds, setting himself up before Thor, crossed armed and pounding hearted, trying to appeal the last spark of reason. If his own or Thor’s, he does not know. 

“I miss the times when we did…” Thor sighs, patting the place beside him and as Loki finally dares to sit, he is pulled down and closer in an instant. Loki just lets it happen, not even shying back when Thor’s hand searches for his neck, forcing him to look at the drunken king with a firm grip, accompanied by a gentle brush of his thumb. Only for a short moment he answers Thor’s gaze but these eyes tell too much he does not dare to see…

“We were merely playing children. Everything might be a game still, for you. But things change. What is gone is gone…”

“You miss mother…“

“Do you not?”

“You can always come to me for consolation, you know?”

Secrets are hushed, that night, beneath innocent touches and faint kisses. Unknown truths are spoken under the veil of drunkenness. Starved souls are bathed in embraces, soaked with affection until cold eyes melt to overflowing streams of relief. Beating hearts are presented, dangerously reckless to caring arms, bidding welcome and holding on securely until sleep finds them…

\--

Thor wakes up in Loki’s chambers. Alone. 

He remembers the night when he shoves down the layers of the old day and suits up for a new one. 

He does take his breakfast alone and that offers more than enough time for all the thinking he has to do. 

So he roams the palace, searching for Loki, to finally find him bowed over documents and scribbling down notes. Elegant, delicate, frowning in concentration as ever… 

And yet it appears to him like the first time to see Loki clearly. He certainly has been well aware of the grace of these skilled fingers and the elegant lines this lean figure draws and the beauty of this sharp face so earnest, lips narrowed to just a fine line and focused eyes hiding an ocean of deep thoughts, suddenly flashing with delight and lightened up by a mischievous grin to fear, to die for… How blind has he been to never notice the truth behind his admiration for this witty, mysterious being? 

To Thor it all makes sense now. All the single pieces he had never even questioned have fallen into place last night, all the lose cogs now fitting together, turning the big wheel of fate…

“Good day,” he greets the prince after these few precious moments of watching him. But when he gets closer and reaches out for the single strand that has fallen over Loki’s eyes, the prince turns away.

“Good day, my king. Reports have reached from Midgard, though I do not take they need your interference. Whereas there are tidings from Jötunheim, you should have a look on that-”

“Loki…” Thor begins and the prince gazes at him, impatient to go on, silently asking for the reason of this disruption. “Are we not going to talk about it?” 

“About Jötunheim? Certainly. But I take it for wise not to mind the council with it too soon,” Loki diverts, averting Thor’s gaze. 

“Not that. I mean last night.” Thor tries again, reaching for Loki’s hand that is swiftly pulled away but not without Thor noticing the slight trembling of it.

“There is nothing to talk about.” But even the breath he draws fails to hide shaking and before he can even proceed to speak about politics he is caught by Thor’s arms and a kiss is pressed to his startled lips and Loki finds himself unable to pull away or to push against the firm embrace that lifts him up. Though blind panic rushes through his veins as his feet lose solid ground, instead of pushing away, of attacking to get out of this, he clutches his arms around Thor’s neck and he desperately clings to the broad man holding him, the only thing keeping him from falling. 

“I am glad we agree on that.” Thor smiles brightly while Loki is shaken and panic-stricken and his heart races wildly as he feels Thor’s warm breath on his neck and he just wants to get away, to get out of these caging arms, holding him tightly while at the same time he does long for more of this. For more warmth, more securely being held, more... “I will not let you go. I promise. Just stay at my side.”

“This,” Loki breathes anxiously, “will never work…” What does Thor know? How could he possibly have thought this through? What does he think he is doing?!

“Oh I would not worry too much, bro-…Loki…” Thor chuckles and Loki does not know how, but the deep rumble he feels vibrating from Thor’s chest through his whole body is soothing him, despite his mind keeps on screaming doubts and concerns, threatening to tear his heart apart. 

“Put me down… please,” he begs, despite his arms still wrapped around Thor’s neck as if his life depended on it. And indeed it feels like nothing less than that but how could he explain to Thor the terror that is striking his body, the dizziness of not being in charge of his own balance? “What if someone sees?”

“I would not mind.” Thor answers carelessly and just clutches him tighter. “We are the ones making the rules now, Loki,” he adds with a soothing smile, “you are perfectly save…” 

Loki is not too certain if this is safety he feels or the greatest suspense he ever got himself into... but fleeing would still do as a fallback plan, would it not?

**Author's Note:**

> So that’s apparently the Thor-way of handling things by just doing what he feels like vs. the Loki-way of handling things by overthinking and not handling them?
> 
>  
> 
> And I'm very guilty of having pressed a potentially at least 50k words worth slowburn backstory idea into a very abridged 5k words oneshot, mainly scribbled down within a few hours… (and then left for months, patiently waiting and being edited over and over again xD)  
> I’m sorry >.<  
> But at the same time I’m a lil proud of myself for being able to let that go and not turn it into months and months of torture ^^’’ 
> 
>  
> 
> So thank you for reading!!  
> As always, I appreciate opinions and actually every kind of feedback^^<3
> 
> (and now I'm curious if I will be able to really leave it be or if there will be more ideas popping up, demanding to be written down :P)


End file.
